Alexandria

OK, Steve. Here’s my cat pee story:

“Do you smell cat pee?” 

 He paused, sniffed the air. “Yeah, I do.” 

“It seems to be coming from over here, but [sniff, sniff, sniff] I can’t find it.” 

I think we had this conversation about five trillion times before finally solving the Great Cat Pee Mystery. After spending months crawling around like a bloodhound, nose to the carpet, on hands and knees, I hoped for some kind of urinary revelation, but…nothing. Each morning, Eddie the smug cat pee bandit hopped on my side of the bed ready for breakfast, half-gloating, “You’ll never figure it out, will you, mortal?“ 

Eddie underestimated my sleuthing abilities, though. 

One morning, still kinda dreamy, I laid in bed listening to the birds and the chimes and my bedside rock fountain. Then He appeared. From past experience, I knew I could ignore his empty food dish notifications by pretending to still be asleep. Besides, I wasn’t quite yet ready to abandon those birds and the fountain and the rest of it just yet. 

Kitty whiskers brushed the tip of my nose. Is she still asleep? 

Sneaky paws backed quietly away from my side of the bed. Oh, she’s totally asleep. Alright, then. 

Back to the birds and the chimes and the fountain…wait. Why did the fountain make that weird noise? I opened my eyes — slit-format mode, like a mummy right before it jumps to life and chokes its grave robbers. That’s when I saw the little bastard. 

Perched on the edge of the fountain’s concrete basin, Eddie straddled the largest rocks and peed straight into the pool below. As if that wasn’t enough, when he finished contaminating my bedside zen-frastructure, Eduardo carefully maneuvered in a circular sidestep to the other side of the fountain where he cleaned his little cat pecker with the spigot. 

Dismounting his cat bidet, Eddie paused to violently shake each paw — obviously irritated they’d gotten slightly wet. Then, unbelievably, he looked back toward me: Wait, did she wake up? 

Crap, she’s awake. 

I jumped out of bed, shocked and a little amazed. 

An hour later, the rocks were soaking in a bleach concoction. I realized I’d not only solved the Great Cat Pee Mystery, but also the Great Absence of Urine Clumps in the Litter Pan Mystery, as well as the Great Lack of Evaporation in the Fountain Mystery. It was a three-for-one. 

Looking back, I figure he was only trying to pee like a man – a French man in knickers, at that. 

This concludes my tale, but remember: Beware of Cat Pee Fountain. 

(Bom, bom, bom!)