I was in L.A. recently, researching for my new blog, SecondShelters. But all I wanted to do was hang out with Mama, a.k.a. The RealEstalker. I fell in love with Mama the first time she referred to a fancy pants house as a “big-ass” mansion. Oh, and “terlits”. Laughed so hard I cried and just about wet myself, or maybe I did. But it was more than professional respect: Mama has a way of looking at these homes, these ridiculously huge homes that no one really needs, but, like a God-awful wreck on the freeway when the Medi-copter swoops down, we just have to look. We kind of like to see the blood. I mean, I have to look, and that is why being with Mama — actually, Mark, his real name — is like being with my twin. Or alter-ego. I had this discussion at a holiday par-tee (a Mama phrase) Saturday night in a home I know Mama would rip to shreds: when we look at House Porn, we only want to see perfectly beautiful homes with manicured interiors. Who the hell wants to see Tobacco Road Trailer Park House Porn?
Full disclosure here: Mama is the original House Porn Queen, I’m just the Texas helping.
When she wrote about Dallasite Phil Romano’s house a few years back, I almost exploded with laughter. Oh baby, I thought, if you could only see the real thing! (I have to trip over the trucks!) This was December/January of 2007/2008, and DallasDirt, a blog I conceived and build for my employer at the time, D Magazine, was relatively new. Phil’s listing agent got wind of what I had posted, well, not posted, but linked to. But no one in Dallas real estate at the time understood linking or blogging or even who the RealEstalker was.
What’s a blob, they asked me?
Mama, you were ahead of your time. A true House Porn pioneer.
The agents were angry. How dare someone make fun of one of their listings, how dare I dare to endorse this daring dare of making fun of a listing. Well, I wasn’t. I was reporting it. How dare I dare to not ignore it?
The internet had not sunk in, yet.
Remember when she said, “Preston Holler is one of Dallas’ finer and most expensive neighborhoods where many of the swank streets are lined with mansions that make Beverly Hills look like the damn ghetto.”
Well honey, I don’t know about that, your Bev Hills is pretty darn swanky. Why even the parking meters were decorated with holiday ribbons, so festive.
What was that you said? Oh. Oh yes. We don’t have parking meters in Preston Hollow.
We have chauffeurs!
I almost took a job in Texas after I got out of the Air Force. Since my wife was planning to work, the real estate agent who showed us around thought she was selling to two doctors. She took us to the expensive areas of town. The thing I noticed was the size of these immense homes on lots that were almost too small for the homes. Being from the Northeast I am used to seeing really large homes on a big lot, unless they are in the inner city. We held off going inside any (the agent was disappointed) since they looked just too damn weird.
I will also add that only in Texas did we have an agent go ask people with no for sale sign if they would consider selling their house. This, on the off remark by my wife that she liked a house we just happened to pass.
Steve
That’s actually pretty common here. When George and Laura Bush were looking for a home, dynamo Realtor Allie Beth Allman sent out letters to entire neighborhoods!