A few months ago my very good friend asked me to be her maid-of-honor. I answered cheerfully, “Of course. I’m so happy for you and Groom.” But secretly I was horrified. Why on earth would you choose me for your bridesmaid? I didn’t even have a wedding! (We eloped on the beach – $450 WeddingsToGo.com)
I know there are women out there who just love weddings, but I have never gotten my head around it. What a colossal waste of money. Put a down-payment on a house. Or ANYTHING ELSE. But, I guess some people have big normal families who want to celebrate and share their joy or something. Anyway, last week-end I traveled half-way across the country for the wedding. I foolishly thought that since my friend is pretty laid-back the wedding wouldn’t be a huge stressful thing. Ha! She may be laid-back, but her mama ain’t. And Mom wanted all the bells and whistles. At least my friend drew the line at matching dresses. She told us to wear whatever kind of black dress we wanted (it was an evening wedding).
This is what irritates me about weddings in general. Sure, the parents paid for most of it (since they’re the ones who wanted it) but the bride’s and groom’s friends had to spend a lot of money too – on air travel, hotels, hen party, group mani-pedi at inflated spa prices, gifts, food, drink, etc. etc. etc. I probably spent close to $1000. My Man and I spent more than more than that on a wedding we attended last summer (I let him off the hook this time, awesome wife that I am). We are categorically refusing to attend any non-local weddings next summer so that we can actually take a freaking vacation for FUN. And I DONE being a bridesmaid. Sorry other friends who may someday get married. I’m 37 for crying out loud. And I’m married! Doesn’t that disqualify me from being a maiden?
Just so I don’t sound like a total bitch, I will say the wedding was very nice. The Bride and Groom are totally in love and the ceremony was tailored to their unique personalities. And I had a good time hanging out with friends I haven’t seen in awhile.
It’s been over a decade since I was in a wedding. There was one in college for an Baptist friend. There was no dancing or alcohol and although I had to wear a big stupid turquoise dress, there wasn’t really much else except a religious ceremony and buffet dinner. Before that I was in a wedding in high school for a friend who got knocked up. That was a small and hasty affair, although still with a poofy turquoise dress. The point is, I didn’t realize all that was expected of me. Apparently I’m supposed to write a touching toast. Agh! I spent 36 hours panicking about that, but managed to came up with something nice (at least that’s what people told me).
Worst of all, the night before the wedding I realized that in addition to a regular gift from Both of Us to Both of You, I was supposed to have a Bridesmaid Gift. Fuck! Fortunately I had abandoned the group after the rehearsal dinner in favor of hanging out with a friend from a different circle. She knew just the place to buy a gift at 11pm on a Sunday.
I think I did well. The Groom gave me a sly thumbs up.
My daughter is going thru the same thing right now. She needed dozens of wine bottles for candle holders at the tables. Well, she came to the right place for that I’ll admit. But she is a nervous wreck.
I have noticed a trend in the last 10 years or so for weddings to turn into these elaborate potlatches far more gaudy and expensive that their station in life would warrant. Any clues why?
I have no idea. Wanting to show everyone that you’re well off even if you’re not? Too much time spent reading celebrity magazines? It’s almost worse now that there’s a DIY trend – it’s not enough to say you don’t want to spend the money because you can just do it yourself! (and spend how much time collecting wine bottles?)
Fortunately most of my friends who have gotten married have ditched the bridesmaids and had a small ceremony with just the two of them followed by a kick-ass party. I’m not against celebrating, but sometimes it all just gets way out of hand. The mothers have a lot to do with it. It wasn’t enough to have their own weddings; they want the whole mother-of-the-bride thing. And since the women are getting married so much older it gives the moms all those years to get pent-up about it.
I was sort of glad my younger sister did the whole big thing as it made up for my running off in secret. Of course, my mom said she was so shocked I was getting married at all that she wasn’t in the least bit upset.
(and spend how much time collecting wine bottles?)
It actually didn’t take that long for us :+)
I could not agree with you more! So much money for one day of being the center of attention. I DID put the money into a home and I’ve never regreted it for a minute. We had a family ceremony in a military chapel, followed by a pig pickin’ (BBQ) for everyone we knew! Start to finish – well under a grand, and I’m just as married as your friend is.
Loved your story, especially the part about you being a ‘maiden’. I hope you had a wonderful time seeing friends again….. now get an unlisted phone number!
Maybe it all made more sense when people lived close by, but when everyone has to travel, the costs add up quickly. I’m done though. Sorry friends.
Speaking of maidens caused me to look up this section from a short story from 2001 by Trevanian (in Best American Short Stories of 2001).
“Short first pregnancies do not occasion criticism in our valley, for it is widely known that the Good Lord often makes first pregnancies mercifully brief as His reward to the girl for having preserved her chastity until marriage. Subsequent pregnancies, however, usually run their full terms, which only makes sense as the very fact that they are not first pregnancies means that the mother was not chaste at the moment of conception. Is it not marvelous how one finds justice and balance in everything? Yet further proof of God’s hand in our daily lives.”
The rest of the story was great fun also.
Well women’s bodies do have a way of shutting that down.
I had a bigger wedding than most of my family (where “bigger” means not going the justice of the peace with a couple of witnesses route), for the sake of collecting my large and far flung family in one place. But bridesmaids were a bridge too far. And I did it all fairly cheap.
As I understood it back when all my friends and relatives were getting married, the bride’s MARRIED friend gets to be MATRON of honor, which I was for both my husband’s siblings. Got to choose, or make, or have somebody make, my own dress, since I was NOT a bridesmaid and therefore didn’t have to match anybody else, except color-wise. I was bridesmaid for three female cousins and three roommates, back before getting married myself. It didn’t feel like as much of a hassle as you depict, which may just mean I was young and had more energy, and none of us had much money so big spending was not an issue.